Part 2: From Heartbreak to Heartbreak
(Click here to read Part 1)
Now that I’ve already introduced you to everyone, I guess I can talk to you straight up. It took me a while to have the courage to start this letter, and I honestly still don’t know where I am to begin as I am drafting this. It drained me emotionally, just to talk about you again; to dive into my memory once again. I think it’s quite funny they put my note in the Chronicles of a Burundian Lover section though. It reminded me how some of our friends used to joke around saying we couldn’t be just friends, that we were low key lovers. I don’t think lovers are more important than friends but that is a subject for another day. Let’s get to it.
Well, Ashley, how about I start by reminding you of this:
“I don’t understand how you can smile all day long, but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change, but the people in them do. How you can love so innocently, but it can turn into anger so quickly. How your best friend can become your worst enemy or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it hurts just the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time are too much to spare. How the smell of a person stays with you even when they’re gone. How people make promises and bare their souls to someone, despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives because it’s just easier than working things out.”
I remember we saw the quote on Tumblr and we were talking about how true and accurate it is. We used to go back to it whenever we went through a situation that related with it. I cannot believe I always go back to it when I think of you now. Forever did turn into what seemed to me like a few short months indeed. I still can’t figure out how it was so easy to let go of me… of us! I always go back to the end of our summer 2011 and I read the letter you handed me the day before you left (yes I still carry it in my wallet.) I read: “Don’t ever change, even when people keep stressing you out, it’s because they don’t know you enough”; and it hurts thinking that when I read those words, it is yourself you are describing right there. Ashley darling, I really need you to understand a few things in this letter.
Although it was quite surprising, you and Riley cheating on me more than once didn’t hurt as much as what came afterwards. I remember the day you told me about it, I didn’t believe it at first, but I reminded you that nothing would ever come between us. I reminded you that I cannot imagine my life without you. You made me promise that we would go through everything together, that I will share my pain and hurt with you, even though you were the cause of it. You told me you would never picture your life without me neither. You know what Ashley, Riley was never a faithful person, so him cheating on me and leaving me for you wasn’t quite a big deal. I was just really sad that you would settle for less like that. I honestly always believed the person you would end up with would come straight from heaven with the only purpose of being with you. I thought your man would be so holly we’d burn when we touched him. I loved you so much I thought no one deserved you. Imagine you ending up with Riley, it was quite sad nukuri. You guys trying to make everyone believe it was about love vyovyo was a bit disgusting to me. But hey, Riley is quite a messed up person; I just didn’t know that he was strong enough to come between us. My heart often goes back to all the lies he told you about me, and it breaks once more when I remember you didn’t even come to me and ask me right away how I’d dare to do whatever he told you I did. You just believed him, like you never knew me before, like he was talking about some other b**** he’d done before.
Do you remember telling me I was so awesome you wondered if we were created by the same God? Now imagine me reading a few months later, that you should have known I was such an f***d up person. Ha! Things do change. I remember when you texted me telling me to get out of your life for good. I remember hoping for at least a year and more after, that someday we would talk again, that we would go back to being us; that we would laugh so hard at that phase ever happening. I remember defending you, I remember saying I couldn’t talk about the hurt you had caused me, because my heart couldn’t handle saying anything bad about you, even though it was true. It was true; you have been a horrible friend to me. You deliberately lied about me, about the whole story. You even started believing in your own lies. You were really infected with what I later called Riley’s virus: Lying so much you start believing it’s the reality. The soft part of me just wants to say it’s Riley’s fault but, damn Ashley, damn! It is your entire fault! You chose him over me, a thousand times! From the moment you let him have you, through the moment you decided it was ok to do it again, to the moment you decided it wasn’t enough, that you had to be together, to the moment you really convinced yourself you were not the b**** in the story but I was, to the moment you started collecting a few common friends here and there, to the moment you looked into my eyes and said you didn’t trust me anymore. You chose him a billion times, when you believed what he said over what I’d say, when you told him things you were not supposed to tell him just because you and I are not friends anymore. You chose him when you believed I could ever hurt you purposely. Riley cheated on you numerous times in front of my eyes, when I was home and you weren’t yet. That is how confident he knew you’d never believe what I’d tell you.
Anyways, I am writing to you because although I love you very much and wouldn’t wish you any harm, I just feel a little bit ridiculous when I think I ever thought we were the same. It does break my heart being able to say all of this but, in all honesty, we were never similar: I would have taken a bullet for you, but you, you’d help my enemy shoot me on the battlefield if that would mean your survival. I’d let you have my coat so you can stay warm in the winter but you darling, you’d take the only torn up shirt I have in the middle of a storm.
Sigh! I think need a break!
To be continued …
“Chronicles of a Burundian Lover” articles are published anonymously on purpose, because, you know, Abarundi…
Image source: dearhomeland.com